The Patchwork of 2013

I began this year in my sweet, isolated beach town on the Central Coast. That experience was coming to an end and I was reaping the rewards of patience and searching for peace through some pretty lonely years. This year was full of necessary endings, new beginnings and transitions. My friend told me that 2013 was going to be my year, she apologized this week but I don't think that is necessary. I'm resilient and know myself better because of this year.

Grace and calm were my intentions for 2013. The hardest realization this year was letting go of my inner control freak. Grace and calm do not reside well with controlling tendencies. I fought hard against this for months and admitted my shortcoming right before my birthday. There was the sweet consolation of grace and calm waiting for me once I confronted my inner dictator. I learned in order to receive grace, I had to ask for it and the hardest part...receive it. Being fiercely independent makes it hard for me to ask for help and even harder, to receive it. Ever since I have opened myself up, blessings have flowed in. I am so grateful for this year.

Here is the patchwork that made up 2013:
-Moving back to San Diego (gorgeous sunsets, dear friends nearby and the Pacific still keeping me company)
-Saying goodbye to my vivacious, loving and hilarious grandma
-Soaking up Mediterranean sun in the Amalfi Coast
-Island hopping in Greece
-Floating effortlessly in the Aegean
-Running hundreds of miles (time to retire those shoes)
-Finding out one of my dearest friends is expecting after years of trying
-Meeting wonderful people who are new friends (Friendsgiving, dancing and laughter)
-Being honest with myself
-Returning to Seattle after 5 years and loving it
-Satisfying my inner oenophile in the Willamette Valley (holy love of Pinot!)

Cheers to another lovely year. I can't wait to see what 2014 has in store.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott

Holiday Memories with Grandma

This is my first holiday season without Grandma. I found this photo tonight and it made me really miss her. It has been months since she passed away but my heart is still healing from the loss. She was such a vibrant, sarcastic, funny and loving influence in my life. I adored holidays with her. She always made us feel special with stockings and dinners with pasta on the side--always. I remember the garland on her Christmas tree was comprised of plastic candies; it sparkled in the large colored bulbs she used to light the tree. Santa and Snoopy were favorite Christmas decorations and carols sung by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and friends crooned from her white tape deck. She filled her green candy dish with Swedish Fish and we snuck several pieces throughout the night. My favorite holiday memory of Grandma would be the light in her eyes as we opened the gifts she wrapped and stuffed into stockings for each grandchild. We would chime "Thank you Grandma" and she would graciously smile and nod. I always felt loved and so special around her. I am so blessed to have had a grandma like her and am grateful for all the years we had together.

NorCal Nostalgia

The familiarity of the Northern California landscape is nostalgic for me. I worked in Sonoma County this week and memories of living here and being able to explore the coast and forests brought back lovely memories. I was able to venture around yesterday and drove the Oakville grade from Sonoma to the Napa Valley. My favorite part of that drive is right as you descend, the beautiful patchwork of the Napa Valley appears.

In fact, road trips would be chapters in the biography of my 20s just as plane rides have been for my 30s thus far. I can remember long trips up to 12 hours and short ones just to spend the night on the coast. I have always wanted to go somewhere and see something. The movement keeps my adventurous spirit happy and the anticipation gives my imagination the practice it needs.

These trips have been with companions as well as alone. Music and silence have always occupied my ears and many a good book and conversation have been a result of the journey. I learned that I am resilient when it comes to travel, by not falling asleep at the wheel, dealing with flight delays and cancellations, learning how to navigate a new city--foreign and domestic, and most of all that travel is my passion.  It is almost impossible to wipe a smile off my face when I am encountering a new terrain.

But, new terrains are not always what I want to experience. I enjoy the familiar trips; like driving windy highway 20 to Fort Bragg. I love it when the sides of the road become sandy and the air salty, right before it meets the sea. I love the smell of driving through a redwood forest where the scent fills the car even with the windows rolled up. Also, driving in the Napa valley in the fall with the intoxicating scent of fermentation seeping out of cellars making the entire valley drunk with wine’s birth.  These are the most familiar sensorial trips for me going all the way back to childhood. And it is no wonder that my favorite things are the ocean, redwood forests and wine...they are deeply imbedded in my soul.

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

Firenze fun

When I was 9 years old, my aunt and uncle took me to see the San Francisco Ballet perform the Nutcracker. I wore a black velvet dress, tights, shiny shoes and a peach headband. I remember sitting down and listening to the orchestra start one of the most memorable overtures my young brain knew. The excitement of being dressed up in the city and hearing Tchaikovsky was trumped when the dancers took the stage. They were so graceful and strong. I was experiencing kinesthetic empathy and wanted to learn how to dance.

I never took dance lessons, but dancing has always brought me joy. I grew up in a super religious church where music and dancing were almost forbidden—that made me want to explore it even more. I remember being jealous of prom and homecoming dances that my friends attended but decided that dancing in my room with my Walkman would have to do...until college.

In college, I spent my weekends dancing. I danced to any music that played, I found DJs to be my liberators as my requests were played and dancing ensued. You know that song Last Night a DJ Saved My Life --it could be the theme song to my college years.

A lot of my memories include dancing and they are some of my happiest ones. I learned that dancing was in my genes at a KC and the Sunshine Band concert with my dad and sister! Then, at my sister’s wedding, we turned the driveway into a dance floor and all of our dearest friends and loved ones came together with music and movement. In Florence, I went to my first official disco and danced the night away with people from all over the world to music in several different languages. 

Last night, a dear friend returned to San Diego and what was meant to be dinner and catching up, turned into a night of dancing and laughter. I love how that happens...I wasn't dressed for it, but that didn't stop me from moving to the music.

"To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak" -Hopi Saying

Love is Patient

Grandpa and Grandma in downtown San Francisco

She taught me to read great books, cook with love, enjoy a good cocktail, how to play blackjack and poker, that real women love sports (particularly the SF Giants and 49ers), listen to old music, dance in the kitchen and in the end that love is patient.

Grandpa passed away almost 5 years ago and grandma has been patiently waiting to be with him again. Every time I visited her she would tell me "I can't wait to get the hell out of here to see your grandpa". And now she is with him. I haven't really known how to process my grief because I know this is what she wanted. I am so happy that they are together again and I can't remember a time when the weren't together before he left.

I love the way he adored her

Rest in peace, dear grandma. I am sure you are dancing with grandpa and holding on tight.