Unlikely Return

I left Seattle almost 5 years ago and never thought I would return. I quit my job, fell in love and moved all the way up the Western seaboard to begin a new life. We didn't work, we lived off our savings, explored the Pacific Northwest and attempted a relationship. It sounded like a really good idea, romantic really, but I was not prepared for it all. Seattle's sun hid after a month and the relationship's foundation wasn't very solid. The snow fell, hearts were broken, I sold everything that didn't fit into my car and left the Emerald City in tears. There was no way I ever wanted to return.

This past week, duty called and I found myself driving into the city with a colleague to work for a couple days. The sun was shining brightly, it was warm and unexpectedly I was okay. I was actually worried about returning, but as the day progressed, I became happy to be in Seattle. All of my good memories returned and I felt complete gratitude that I was able to live there and explore for a while. I reflected on how blessed I was to have a city as my playground and realized that I had created a very good sense of place there.

I guess that is what letting go/evolving feels like--joy and gratitude even when faced with bad memories. Now when I speak of Seattle, I need to replace my doomsday "snow and gloom" stories with the memory of love and exploration. I no longer need to refer to that move as my worst mistake, but as an amazing opportunity to be daring and carefree.

A Good Year

I had a really good 32nd year. I was looking back at this past year and counted my blessings which outweighed the sorrows.

Last year, I was in Bali with a broken heart trying to figure out new plan and a direction. I wrote down 5 intentions at a coffee shop in a small Balinese town and have referred to them many times over the past year.

1) Positivity every day
2) Letting go of the past
3) Hope
4) Wisdom to decipher what's next
5) Open heart and mind

These intentions have been the foundation for the past year. These 5 things are hard to achieve from where I was last year. But, with practice, prayer and encouragement from loved ones, I get closer every day. I don't think that the blessings would have been recognized without this list. I worked hard on them and although there have been struggles and tears, joy and peace continue to take their place.

My dear friend, Katy confidently proclaimed "2013 is your year, friend!" I think she is right. But then again, any year is what I decide to make of it. And this year, focusing on the blessings is my intention. I learned this a long time ago when my grandma had me sing "Count your blessings" to her in Spanish. I may have not known what I was actually singing, but I think the message is finally sinking in.

Floating

I learned how to swim late,when I was 12 years old. I remember the anxiety of not having full control of my body and definitely despised going underwater. Even when it was time to go to school, I would hang on to the bed post and cry full of angst over what might happen that day. I was the worrier in my family, always aware of possible doom. (I had my bags packed just in case the Oakland hills fire reached us all the way in San Leandro).

I am coming to terms with accepting the fact that my inability to let go has caused great anxiety in my life. This problem has also given me the tendency to showcase the control freak that tends to live inside. I don't like that and I am resolving to fix this about myself.

Letting go is a great feat I realize. It is not easy for a worrier. But, through meditation, prayer and post it note reminders all over the place, I am finding it easier and easier to release. And let me tell you, it is so much more wonderful than I thought it could be.

I think the best possible image I can give myself is floating in Greece. We found a secluded beach in Paros and I really wanted to get in the water. The water was crystal clear and turquoise. I had the initial "it's too cold, I should get out" thoughts and then I laid down and let go. Without any effort, I was floating in the Aegean Sea under the Mediterranean sun and my heart and soul flooded with gratitude and happiness. I had physically let go and the water took care of everything else.

I think of this image often these days. Being able to physically have a reference to this life lesson helps me release the tensions that come with not letting go. Floating is exactly the way my heart and soul feel--like a balloon--when I release the unknown and trust that everything will be alright.

Cyclades Celebration

I think a 30th birthday is something to celebrate and since, my little sister turned 30 last month, we celebrated! We traveled to Greece for some island hopping. I was so excited to be on a trip with my sister. Usually, I am with work or friends and never with a family member. This trip was memorable and quite special to me for many reasons...Lizzie and I are 3 years apart and we were each other's first friends. I can't imagine my childhood without her constant companionship. So, a week together flew by leaving us with fond memories and great tans.

Our island hopping took us to 2 islands: Paros and Santorini.

 Paros is a great place to rent a car and drive around visiting beaches and small towns. We spent a couple days on Paros and enjoyed the freedom of driving around and exploring the entire island. We found a beach lined with olive trees with crystal clear turquoise water which was perfect for effortless back floats.  In the mornings, we drank espresso frappes and soaked up the sunshine. Then, in the evenings, we ambled through the streets and sipped on Greek beer and ate a lot of salads.

Santorini was a completely different experience...

We stayed at a resort with pool overlooking a vineyard and the sea. The town was walking distance and the scenery was stark white buildings down a sheer cliff. The sunsets were epic and the towns more lively. We laid out by the pool, sipped local wine and walked many miles on cobblestone streets (up and down the cliffs). We shopped for gifts to take home and saw cave paintings.

History, culture, delicious food and ocean breezes were our constant companions in Greece. The celebration was fun and I can't wait to travel with my sister again. My only hope is that next time all three of us (sisters) can go.

Amalfi Adventure

Last month, I travelled to the Amalfi Coast with a friend before a work conference in Umbria. We spent a few days soaking up the sun, trying Aperol spritzers and eating copious amounts of delicious food. This was one of my favorite trips and I can't wait to return. We stayed in the quiet town, Maiori, where we could walk everywhere and stay across the street from the sea. The days were long and relaxing and the nights were filled with friendship and laughter.

Getting to the Amalfi is not the easiest route. We spent time on a plane, train and a bus. The road is narrow, windy and hugs the mountain closely. The sea is a brilliant aqua and the hills are terraced with citrus. Limoncello flows freely and the seafood is remarkable. 

We took a day trip to Capri with the intention of laying in the sun until it rained. However, the rain was one of the highlights of the trip. At first, I was upset but we ended up laughing until the sun broke through the clouds giving us ample warmth after the showers. 

I can't wait to return to Maiori and spend even more time on the shores relaxing. Life gets crazy and when I look back on this trip, I can feel a sense of calm because for the first time in a while, I felt completely at peace. 

Love is Patient

Grandpa and Grandma in downtown San Francisco

She taught me to read great books, cook with love, enjoy a good cocktail, how to play blackjack and poker, that real women love sports (particularly the SF Giants and 49ers), listen to old music, dance in the kitchen and in the end that love is patient.

Grandpa passed away almost 5 years ago and grandma has been patiently waiting to be with him again. Every time I visited her she would tell me "I can't wait to get the hell out of here to see your grandpa". And now she is with him. I haven't really known how to process my grief because I know this is what she wanted. I am so happy that they are together again and I can't remember a time when the weren't together before he left.

I love the way he adored her

Rest in peace, dear grandma. I am sure you are dancing with grandpa and holding on tight.