Won't You Be My Neighbor

                       

Community has been a desire of mine for a while now. Since I grew up in a large family, I like to be around people that I feel connected to. I prefer meaningful conversations and forming bonds with people--relationships matter to me. When I quit my job, I made a list of things that I wanted to accomplish within a year and finding a community was near the top. 

I have had the honor of traveling and meeting people all over the world, many of whom I regularly keep in touch with. However, I deeply wanted stable connections near home. With all the moving and traveling I have done in the past 8 years, I have craved a sense of home and connection.

Last night, my friends hosted a lovely dinner party where delicious food was shared and laughter had most of us in tears. This past weekend, I spent most of my time in the sun catching up with friends and once again stories and laughter filled the air. I even had a minor setback and 2 of my friends had a solution before I could even figure out how to fix my issue. They lovingly calmed me down and were there before I could even ask for help. I am bursting at the seams with gratitude.

I remember when I pulled up to where I am living now for the first time and let out a sigh saying "I finally feel like I'm home". That feeling has stayed with me and grown over the past couple years. Home has been something that has called me, even all the way in Bali when I was contemplating selling everything and just going away. The inner pull on my heart and soul was undeniable and so I returned home to start a business and also find my community. My friendships have blossomed into deeper connections that I could not maintain in the past. I am so grateful for the lovely souls that have come into my life and many who have stayed while I found my way back home. 

Love Letter to Barcelona

Your streets are the veins where life flows through you. You are vibrant, colorful and always alive. Your serenade is boisterous laughter, perfectly played guitars and the stomps of flamenco dancers. You wear the uniform of the bohemian--free flowing, one where colors are mixed not matched. Hair is uncombed yet beautifully tousled, thick with waves and colors from years in the sun. Your skin is bronzed with a slight hint of freckles, each telling of a sun drenched adventure. You feel passionately; fighting like a feral cat yet your love runs so deep it balances you out. Your scent is smokey and sweet--a blend of tobacco and fruit blossoms with a hint of petrol.

You are my lesson in anything goes and letting go. I was shown that nothing needs to happen in patterns. Life is messy, loud, chaotic and most of all beautiful. I learned to get lost and wander; opening my heart to peel back yet another layer. I held my breath in your presence...tense yet excited at the same time. You challenged my bravery and showed me another facet of my strength.

The Patchwork of 2013

I began this year in my sweet, isolated beach town on the Central Coast. That experience was coming to an end and I was reaping the rewards of patience and searching for peace through some pretty lonely years. This year was full of necessary endings, new beginnings and transitions. My friend told me that 2013 was going to be my year, she apologized this week but I don't think that is necessary. I'm resilient and know myself better because of this year.

Grace and calm were my intentions for 2013. The hardest realization this year was letting go of my inner control freak. Grace and calm do not reside well with controlling tendencies. I fought hard against this for months and admitted my shortcoming right before my birthday. There was the sweet consolation of grace and calm waiting for me once I confronted my inner dictator. I learned in order to receive grace, I had to ask for it and the hardest part...receive it. Being fiercely independent makes it hard for me to ask for help and even harder, to receive it. Ever since I have opened myself up, blessings have flowed in. I am so grateful for this year.

Here is the patchwork that made up 2013:
-Moving back to San Diego (gorgeous sunsets, dear friends nearby and the Pacific still keeping me company)
-Saying goodbye to my vivacious, loving and hilarious grandma
-Soaking up Mediterranean sun in the Amalfi Coast
-Island hopping in Greece
-Floating effortlessly in the Aegean
-Running hundreds of miles (time to retire those shoes)
-Finding out one of my dearest friends is expecting after years of trying
-Meeting wonderful people who are new friends (Friendsgiving, dancing and laughter)
-Being honest with myself
-Returning to Seattle after 5 years and loving it
-Satisfying my inner oenophile in the Willamette Valley (holy love of Pinot!)

Cheers to another lovely year. I can't wait to see what 2014 has in store.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott

On Vulnerability

I watched Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability last year and it changed the way I approach my life. She eloquently speaks of what it means to be vulnerable and how it can change the way we interact with each other. Vulnerability can be one of the scariest things and also one of the most rewarding.

Ever since I decided to chip away at the walls I built around my heart and soul, I have experienced life in a more vibrant and satisfying manner. This doesn't mean that there aren't remnants of the walls or past hurts left, but I can be more open and forgiving with myself and others because of this. I have experienced new relationships form, old relationships healed and some removed from my life just from being open and honest.

I used to be such a hard, sarcastic and blunt person. When I look back just 5 years, I hardly recognize the person I became. I was working and playing hard, spending my time and money like they were invincible and not really showcasing love as it should be. During that time, I desperately wanted love and acceptance, but my walls just towered over my ability to soften.

This all began to change when I quit my high stress job and began letting go of so many things--physical and emotional. Selling everything, a broken heart, a couple years alone in a coastal town and unconditional love from family and friends can really chip away at a hard shell. The more I opened up, the more opportunities and love entered my life. I don't think it is a coincidence that I have been able to travel more, cultivate relationships and work on awareness during this time. By letting my guard down, blessings have flowed in and I am truly grateful. One of the hardest lessons of my life has proven to be the most rewarding.

"to let yourself soften into loving someone, to caring about something passionately--that's vulnerable" -Brene Brown



And just because this is lovely and relevant...

A Good Year

I had a really good 32nd year. I was looking back at this past year and counted my blessings which outweighed the sorrows.

Last year, I was in Bali with a broken heart trying to figure out new plan and a direction. I wrote down 5 intentions at a coffee shop in a small Balinese town and have referred to them many times over the past year.

1) Positivity every day
2) Letting go of the past
3) Hope
4) Wisdom to decipher what's next
5) Open heart and mind

These intentions have been the foundation for the past year. These 5 things are hard to achieve from where I was last year. But, with practice, prayer and encouragement from loved ones, I get closer every day. I don't think that the blessings would have been recognized without this list. I worked hard on them and although there have been struggles and tears, joy and peace continue to take their place.

My dear friend, Katy confidently proclaimed "2013 is your year, friend!" I think she is right. But then again, any year is what I decide to make of it. And this year, focusing on the blessings is my intention. I learned this a long time ago when my grandma had me sing "Count your blessings" to her in Spanish. I may have not known what I was actually singing, but I think the message is finally sinking in.

Love is Patient

Grandpa and Grandma in downtown San Francisco

She taught me to read great books, cook with love, enjoy a good cocktail, how to play blackjack and poker, that real women love sports (particularly the SF Giants and 49ers), listen to old music, dance in the kitchen and in the end that love is patient.

Grandpa passed away almost 5 years ago and grandma has been patiently waiting to be with him again. Every time I visited her she would tell me "I can't wait to get the hell out of here to see your grandpa". And now she is with him. I haven't really known how to process my grief because I know this is what she wanted. I am so happy that they are together again and I can't remember a time when the weren't together before he left.

I love the way he adored her

Rest in peace, dear grandma. I am sure you are dancing with grandpa and holding on tight.

Love Love Peace Forever



Smart Monkey



When a year ends, nostalgia can't help but rear its head and demand attention from the heart and mind. This past year brought many emotions, revelations, awe inspiring scenes and inner peace. I remember beginning my year, like so many others, with a list of things I wanted to change, create, accomplish and see. This list came out a few times for review and although I did not complete everything on my list, I did change, create, accomplish and see things that I could have never planned for.

When I began 2012, I felt isolated in the Central Coast, overworked, underpaid, tired, and full of so many more complaints. I didn't like how my heart and mind had been filled with such negative energy. However, I wanted a change and fast! So, I began the year thinking a job would change, a move would come, friends would be closer and perhaps even love. Oh how I was wrong. But that's okay.
 
What 2012 gave me was a broken heart, hard character building exercises, opened eyes and heart, a quieter mind and a calmer soul. This happened in the form of all of my plans being squashed, relinquishing control and allowing what is meant to be, be. WHAT A HARD LESSON. I cried lonely tears, felt my heart crack again and realizing that I had it mostly wrong. But this was the best thing that could have happened to me. My lonely sad tears have been replaced by tears of joy. My cracked heart is healing and opening up at a level I have never experienced before. And my ideals and plans-they are headed in a direction that excites me and is still a bit unknown...but I have faith its going to be AMAZING and I can't wait.

This year I am grateful for...
living by the ocean
abundant travel
healing relationships
family
close friends
lessons learned
faith and hope

For Melanie

In 1998, I met a vivacious redhead named Melanie. She was beautiful, funny and had bright red hair down the middle of her back. You couldn't help but notice when she walked into a room. I was intimidated by her at first. She seemed mysterious, strong and fierce. I couldn't wait to become her friend.

Our friendship started in English class, my first year in college. She was my writing partner. Our duty was to critique each other's writing to help bring out our inner creativity. We both loved writing and had fun reading what we would create each week. One week, Melanie wrote a story that shocked and saddened me. It was a personal story about her battle with a disease I had never heard of, Lupus.

I immediately looked up Lupus and read many facts and was relieved when I saw that it is rarely fatal. Our friendship became closer the more she opened up about her struggle and from her I learned that vulnerability can be quite lovely. She was sick often and I would go over to her house and watch terrible movies or just sit and talk. She never really did seem to have an appetite, but coffee was a common interest. So, over many cups of coffee (with Hazelnut creamer), I learned how a disease can control your life.

See, Melanie had one of the most aggressive forms of Lupus, where every part of her was attacked. I learned she had a kidney transplant in her teens (thanks to her mother), her heart was weak and she thought her kidney was giving out again. She lived with pain. I have no idea how she functioned and maintained her smile. She RARELY complained and the only reason she even talked about Lupus was because of all my questions.

Melanie dated, danced and drank a little. But her illness never let her forget it was in control. She was in and out of the hospital frequently and missed many classes and events. I remember visiting with her during dialysis and although she was tired and drained, she joked and smiled through it all. One day, she became so ill, she ended up staying in the hospital for months. When she was released, she moved a hospital bed to her parents home where she could recoup with their help and love.

One day, her mom couldn't wake her up. Melanie had started slipping away and 911 was called. Her final days were spent in ICU. I visited her and realized that my friend's vivacious, bright soul was ready to leave. She was tired and fought as hard as possible to stay alive. I remember tears running down her cheeks and trying to smooth her hair because she never wanted to look disheveled. She passed surrounded by her family and friends. She was 31, much too young.

Meeting Melanie and watching her fight so hard to live changed my life. She was one of the strongest people I know. She never wanted to give off the sick vibe, she didn't want people to worry about her. Her final request was to donate her body to UCSF for Lupus research to help find a cure.

I will be participating in a walk to help fund Lupus research. Please join me or donate in Melanie's honor to help fund research. Please visit my Alliance for Lupus Research Walk page to donate.

Thank you