On Turning 35: Vibrant Roots with Expansive Branches

                                  

This past year I did something that I didn't realize I was ready to do; I grew roots. It was one of the most significant periods of growth in my life. I spent my 34th year in reflection, exploration, creativity and development. There were release of things I had no idea I was still holding onto which created immense room for expansion. In this new space, I found myself learning to harness my intuition and doing one of the most brave and creative things I have ever done; starting a business.

I appreciate the quiet and still days at home where I could feel my roots getting deeper and stronger. In the stillness, my soul embraced faith, hope and grace; such a perfect word for this year. I learned what it felt like to receive and give this beautiful gift. This is where love thrives and blossoms in ways unimaginable. It is truly a place of awe and wonder. My heart has learned the art of healthy detachment and also unconditional love. 

I think one of the most significant shifts has been from passion to vibrancy. For years I felt that the fire inside me was passionate. It was an intense, unstable flame, searching for fuel to burn and grow. It fed everything I came in contact with. But now, I see this fire inside as a steady, vibrant light. It radiates and does not destroy. I learned to harness the passionate flame to create a vibrancy inside. 

This was a year of steady growth and reaching for the sky from a place of expansion. There were no grand trips to faraway lands, but I think the trip inward made this year much more significant. I am ready to see what 35 has in store. I can't imagine the treasures and secrets it holds. I am excited and so very grateful.

2014: Transitions and Gratitude

                       

This year was rapid moving, adventure filled and life changing. So many transitions, realizations and lessons happened this year and I am grateful for each one...even the most painful. In Chinese Astrology, the year of the horse began back in February, which was when everything went full force, just like a wild mustang running, mane everywhere, nostrils flared. 

For years, my spirit animal was a horse. I identified with its energy and symbolism. I raced through life, determined and galloped past anything in my way. My energy was intense, like the color orange. I didn't accept "no" for an answer, was outspoken and successful; but unfulfilled. Then, my heart and soul started to speak louder than my brain and ego and I surrendered to some pretty tough lessons that had been begging to be learned. 

The lessons removed a lot of stored up stress, resentments and pain and I began to feel lighter. I started identifying with birds more, mainly hawks. The power of surrender helped me soar over the painful path I had created and provided insight to who I really am; my authentic self. So, I began to live more intentionally and this is how the year progressed...

-finally went to Costa Rica after dreaming about it for 10 years

-took an intuitive painting class and was given the word "brave" for the year

-hiked the Grand Canyon and let nature blow my mind

-went to Sicily with work friends and sailed on the Mediterranean

-visited Spain and fell in love with Flamenco and Pinxos

-spoke more Spanish (the little I know) than I ever had

-QUIT MY JOB

-went to Bali for a month and learned a lot of lessons through much discomfort

-learned forgivenesss and mended/released relationships

-went to Australia to celebrate 21 years of friendship and meet Baby Fox

-realized that wanderlust doesn't grip my heart as strongly and decided to STAY HOME for a while

-went to school to become a Spiritual Life Coach

-visited Washington DC

-learned to love the snow

-visited the Pacific Northwest a few times

-rode the lovely Amtrack a couple times and fell in love with train travel

-met some lovely people who have made this year sparkle a little bit more

-ran hundreds of miles and changed my body...you really can be fitter in your 30s than your 20s!

-started writing my book

-loved more deeply

-opened my heart 

-accepted my imperfections

-recognized compassion

-changed my vibration

-listened to my intuition

-embraced my authentic self

I can't wait to see what 2015 has in store. I feel like this year created a great spaciousness for growth. Every year, I realize that the path is perfect even with its setbacks. Each lesson is a stepping stone and when I look back, I see a lovely mosaic of different colored stones. My heart is so full of gratitude and love for this year and its transitions.

The Race Inside My Head

                       

Last year, I decided to take up running as exercise after recognizing that life on the road was not helping me stay fit. After turning 30, I noticed my metabolism become slower and slower with each year. Hotel gyms weren't cutting it and I found running to be a great way to achieve goals and get fit. What I didn't realize was that running was a mental sport as well.

I started and stopped after 1 mile, panting with side pains and red in the face. My fitness level wasn't where I thought I was after years of gym memberships and yoga classes. I got myself up to 2 miles but I was still feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere. I wanted results quicker. I wanted my body to perform better and I was getting impatient.

All of a sudden, I started meeting new friends who ran. We didn't meet because of running, but it was a coincidence that they liked to run as well. But these people ran races and marathons on a regular basis and I felt so insecure about my running abilities and felt like my 2 mile milestone was a joke. But, there was one gal who was the most encouraging and she got me thinking about it in a whole new way.

I had to overcome my mind telling me I couldn't go any further. She invited me to run "I'm only doing 3-5 miles today." I cringed thinking I would die at mile 3. I told her how slow I was and how I had not run very far before, but she just kept encouraging me. So, this year, I made a goal to run 20 miles a month. I was out of the country a lot this year and there were several weeks and even a whole month when I didn't run a mile. But today, I hit my goal and I ran the farthest, fastest and longest time ever. I text my friend to let her know. She replied "How did it feel?...I love milestone running." It felt amazing. I coulnd't believe I just ran that far and for that long. I didn't even think about it while I was doing it, I just ran. And today, I finally felt like a runner. 

After an entire year I realized that my mind is stronger and my lungs and legs are toned for endurance. There is a lesson in all of this of course and for me it is that I am strong enough to overcome obstacles, especially when I am the obstacle. All my thoughts of "I can't keep going, I'm not fast enough, I'll die after mile # ___" were just me defeating me. When I changed the belief into something empowering and began believing the new empowered thought, I lapped my brain with positivity, strength and perseverance. 

Snow Angel

                                     

My travel buddy and dear friend just returned back from being out in the world. We haven't seen each other since Bali and decided to take a road trip up to Lake Tahoe to spend a couple days and hopefully experience some snow. Earlier this year, I set an intention to learn how to enjoy the snow. I have had pretty bad experiences with snow and wanted to learn how to appreciate being in it. When I was in Melbourne earlier this year, I got my first 2014 snow experience and had so much fun being caught in a freak snow storm. I was hoping Tahoe would solidify my new found appreciation.

We drove almost 10 hours from San Diego through some pretty diverse terrain. I had never seen the Eastern Sierras and enjoyed seeing the other side of the mountains I grew up looking at and visiting. After leaving San Diego, a rain storm swept through as quickly as it started and within and hour, we were driving through a desert sand storm. When the mountains started to take over our view, I really started getting excited. We watched snow falling over the tops of the mountains while we remained dry below. Snow started falling and accumulating on the road as we passed rivers and climbed higher and higher. 

Once we arrived to Tahoe, the weather was cold, but there wasn't any snow to be seen. The next day brought beautiful sunny weather and the only snow we could see was on the very tops of the mountains far away. The hotel where we stayed was near a ski resort and we kept seeing "snow surfers" dressed up in their gear carrying skis and snowboards. I wondered where they were finding snow. 

We found a place with an outdoor fire pit and live music and sat near a couple guys who had just come down the mountain from snowboarding. They informed us that the snow was man made but that the next day promised to bring real snow. We chatted and ended up talking by the fire until late with a few other people sharing stories and travel tales. I love how sitting around a fire brings out the storyteller in some people.

The next day we drove up the mountain and saw the valley covered in fog and snow began to fall. The scene was beautiful. I am so used to sunny locations and although I was a couple of hours from where I grew up, I felt like I was in another world. The rest of the day, snow fell steadily and we found another cozy fire pit to stay warm by and met up with our new found friends from the night before. There were a few bands that played live music and the evening was spent in friendship and music. 

This year continues to fill my heart with gratitude with each new adventure. Deciding to live and travel with intention has proven fruitful and I am so excited to see where life continues to take me. I have worked through so much discomfort and have fully embraced a new level of comfort this year. By doing things that are hard for me, I have grown and finally authenticated the brave part of my soul.

New Adventures and Horizons

                       

I didn't travel on an airplane last month and that's the first time I can say that in a very long time. It was strange not to feel the undeniable urge of wanderlust...the same urge that has captivated my heart for years. I am changing, yet my sense of wonder remains in tact. I am learning to be home and feel myself blooming where I am planted, my roots reaching deeper with each day.

I have the above saying at my writing desk; a gift from my sister. She gave it to me on my recent trip to her home. I keep this up as a reminder that I am on a "new" adventure. When I decided to put the brakes on travel for the time being, I was afraid that I would lose my sense of adventure. But, I realize that this break is allowing me to harness the knowledge and wisdom I will need for the next phase of my life.

Last month, I took a class and started working on a project that will someday put me in a new career. I felt the sweet tinge of anxiety from starting something new and expanding my mind. Taking a class was intense and reminded me how much there is to learn. I thrive in diving into the unknown. I've entered both of my previous careers as a novice and had fun climbing as far as I could go. This time, there will not be a corporate ladder to climb and that feels right in so many ways. 

"Now you must go from Success to Significance" my elderly seatmate encouraged me on my trip to Bali this year. I was meant to sit next to him. His words really moved me and sent my soul on a journey to find just what that means for me. Part of this journey led me right back to my own front door and inward to my soul. In short, I have been on a soul searching journey all year and I think significance is on the horizon. I am excited to be trekking on this new path and can't wait for everything to unfold.

What Bali Taught Me

                         

I came to Bali a month ago ready to embark on a spiritual journey and figure out my next steps in life. I thought a month in a spiritual place would bring peace, enlightenment and immense joy. Bali offered everything I asked for, but there were lessons I was not prepared to encounter on this journey and I am leaving Bali with some bumps and bruises but a smile on my face. 

I didn't know that spiritual journeys included tears and heartache. As I look back, I can see that the pain and discomfort was part of the growth and change. I had to let things go that I didn't know I was holding onto and deal with new hardships that arrived almost as soon as I began this journey. I think the timing was perfect as I was in a place where I could focus on growth and healing. 

There were four very distinct lessons I learned here...

1) Stillness: Staying in a small town among rice fields provided ample time to be still. I found meditation and prayer came much easier without the distractions I can provide myself at home. In stillness, I was able to listen to intuition and seek direction and discernment. I found comfort in the silence and solitude. My mind was able to shut down and peace began to bud.

2) Grace: This journey showed me that lovely things can blossom out of pain and hurt. The water lily is a symbol for grace and it grows out of the mud into a beautiful bloom. Without grace, I would drown in the messes and mistakes I have made. Grace is proof that the universe has greater plans for me and provides lessons and strength just when I need them. That thought alone blows my mind and fills me with gratitude.

3) Offering: I watched women place offerings in reverence every day on alters all over town. They spend time creating beautiful, colorful gifts daily. This encouraged me to offer something each day to show my gratitude and intention. I am beginning each day with an intention and offering gratitude and seeing a difference in my outlook. This practice is my offering.

4) Bravery: This is a theme that keeps coming up for me this year. In Bali, I faced my greatest fear time and again and now I barely flinch when I see rodents. I had to bargain and negotiate with a language barrier often and even demand our passage on a boat, which we had to ride on top of at full speed. I forged paths, dealt with scary truths and let go. Bravery frees my mind from fears I held onto and creates a new spaciousness for courage.

I am grateful to have had this experience, even with all the discomforts. I was told that in order to grow, one must experience pain followed by joy. I appreciate the patience and friendship Penny provided as I went through some difficult transitions. Our friendship is stronger and now we have even more epic memories to share.

My hope is to return home next week equipped with the lessons I learned here and practice them daily. Intentions are powerful and it is amazing what they can manifest. My journey in Bali is proof that by setting an intention, results follow, even if they don't take the planned path. Let go, be fluid, ask for guidance and the answers will appear.

Leaving Gili: The Day I Learned to Let it Be

                                       

We left Gili Air in an adventurous way. Departure tickets were bought a day early to ensure seats on a boat. When we arrived at the harbor, it was clear that all boats were over booked, 150 tickets sold for 30 seats to be exact. I went up to the counter and a man took my ticket and started walking away. I followed him along with a few others who seemed to have given him their tickets as well. 

One of the travelers was on the phone as he walked with us explaining a tragic loss of friends. He needed to get off the island to get home to attend a funeral. There were a couple gals needing to get back to catch a flight and they were very insistent that they get on the boat. Every time I tried to get information, the man just walked away. I made sure to follow since he held our tickets off the island.

We returned to the harbor office where fellow travelers sat waiting. Time was nearing our scheduled departure and I still had not heard how we were getting off the island. It was as Gili Air was acting like a jilted lover tugging onto our coattails as we walked away. 

The gals with the flight to catch were yelling at the staff and I realized that I would have done the same thing only a year ago. I realized how demanding I was and how forceful it sounded. I was surprised that I did not feel the need to yell or panic. There was a calm that was new to me and I just asked what was going on and he responded to my calm. He asked if we could take the 3 o'clock boat, but my gut told me that boat was also over booked and I told him I preferred to leave at noon as we originally paid for. He got on the phone once again with my ticket in clear view.

In the meantime, I asked the fellow traveler what had happened to his friends. He told me that his friends were on a plane from Amsterdam to Bali and the plane was shot down. He lost 12 friends in one night. Immediately, the boat ride issue was minuscule. He explained how his football team was coming out to Gili to visit him and that he held a beach memorial for the dead until 5am that morning. He explained that he was still in shock and didn't know how to process the news, but was trying to be strong since he had a lot of travel ahead of him.

He assured me that the GIli way was to overbook the boats and not communicate, but that another boat is always found. The man with my ticket was still on the phone, so I went to sit next to Penny to explain what was going on. I saw the boat that we paid to get on enter the harbor and I got up and told the man my boat arrived and that I wanted my ticket back. He handed another person my ticket who then created another ticket and told me to go down to the harbor and speak to the captain of the boat to try to get us on the boat.

When we got to the harbor, one of the crew members was yelling "No room!!!" as people started climbing aboard. I walked over to the man I figured was captain like and showed him my ticket and he told me there was no room. I responded "We must get on this boat" and he responded "Ok, but you sit on top."

I turned to Penny and told her to follow me onto the boat and how we had to sit on top. We climbed on and were told to sit on top of the cargo bags. I was immediately grateful that we did not bring luggage and settled in hoping not to get sick.

The boat started moving and we started laughing at the fact that we made it on the boat and we were sitting on top of the cargo like stowaways. The boat stopped at Lombok first and we heard the chanting from mosques while we waited to head out. I am not sure if people got on or off. We applied sunscreen for our journey in the sun while we waited.

There were about 15 of us on top of the boat including the gals with the plane to catch and man who lost his friends. He began singing "Let it Be" with his arms outstretched and we all joined in after a bit. We sang together as we sped across the Java Sea towards Bali. The boat came to a dead stop in the middle of nowhere while we were singing and we quickly changed our tune to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and the boat started back up after a couple minutes. 

One of the crew members offered us massages, which added to the humor of the entire situation. He was the one yelling "No Room!" and now he was trying to make our journey more comfortable. One of the gals took him up on his offer after I asked him to quit rubbing my neck. I am so happy I did because he asked her to take her shirt off so he could "properly" massage her. I inched farther away from him and took in the lovely scenery that sitting below did not offer.

When we arrived back on Bali, the dock had many people holding up signs directing us to our proper shuttles. I found our driver and he told us to head to the office. Not knowing where the office was, I asked someone who led us to the row of offices and shuttle vans. We used the toilet which cost money and ended up being a squat pot with a bucket of water for flushing and half a door for privacy. I downed a Bintang after to calm my nerves and forget the toilet situation and boarded our van.

We paid for the van to drive us back to our place in Ubud, but apparently he was too tired or didn't want to sit in the horrific traffic and dropped us off in the middle of the city at a grocery store. Luckily, Penny and I knew where we were and began the 3 mile walk home. We cracked up at the hilarious events of the day as we dodged motor bikes, trucks and stray dogs. 

All of a sudden the reason we were not driven home revealed itself. I had been looking for 2 weeks for a certain item to buy my friend who is house-sitting for me. I went into several stores and finding similar items, but not the right ones. And then, on the street we were dropped off on, in a window, I saw them. I picked out the amount I wanted and I was ready to negotiate the price and she quoted exactly what I told Penny I wanted to pay a couple days earlier. It was a manifestation for sure. I was giddy for the rest of the trek home happy to have found her gift.

This adventure was further proof that being open and allowing things to flow as they intend to delivers joy. I could have had anxiety and stress but instead chose to stay open and let go. We returned to rain and I feel like the ride on top provided me one more chance to get my fill of sunshine and I definitely consider it a gift from the universe. I learned so much about myself that day and I am so happy that everything transpired the way it did.

Raindrops and Moonlight

                                      

A shift happened for me this weekend. I made my way through discomfort to find a new level of comfort. After almost two weeks finding myself in a constant inward and outward struggle, I decided to surrender and let whatever was going to happen (bugs, rain, rashes...), happen. And it has brought me so much peace. The decision to just be present has really affected my happiness quotient and has turned otherwise dreaded happenings into opportunities for joy. 

Last night, the full moon was out and it was raining but we didn't let it stop us from going outside and practicing yoga--moon salutations. The power went out and we found the only candle in the cottage and lit it with the propane burner. Yoga was practiced by clouded moon and candle light. It was so much fun. In fact, after our practice, we jumped in the pool and the moon peeked through the clouds to give us ample light for back floats.

Earlier, the rain was pouring down in sheets, I thought it was hail. I saw Penny just sitting by the pool under the downpour. She looked so happy and content. I wondered what would happen if I tried sitting in the rain. She got up and I went out to try it. It felt amazing. It felt invigorating. It made me want to swim in it. I could not believe myself. I have been a lifelong fan of sunshine and opposer of gray skies and especially rain. But, yesterday, I think I may have fallen in love, just a little with rain. I jumped in the pool and the rain just kept pouring and all I could do was laugh.

It may seem simple to just decide to be present, but for someone who is often in her head figuring out a dozen things at once, it is very very difficult. However, I like where it is taking me. Those dozen things will always be there for me to figure out, but the present will not. I think it is interesting how water has been the constant symbol for me in regards to letting go. Water is fluid and adaptable...things I am still learning. I know growth and letting go will forever be a part of life, but I think I am finding a way to peacefully and joyfully embrace them.

The Discomforts of Paradise

                                  
Everything I was expecting Bali to be has not happened. I have had a hard, uncomfortable first ten days here. My intention on this journey was to write, be still and meditate on my next steps in life. All three things are happening, but there have been environmental and emotional factors that I did not expect.

One of my first nights here, I was bit in the middle of the night, hopped out of bed and sprayed DEET all over my body in hopes of warding of nighttime critters. I woke up the next morning covered in big, red and ugly bumps. They burned and itched. I went to a clinic and picked up some benedryl after looking up pictures of skin rashes online. Apparently, I am allergic to poisonous DEET. So, now I just deal with bites and luckily the rash is almost gone.

Then there is the rain. The endless rain. I am someone that needs sun. I learned about this years ago while living in Seattle. It was my first encounter with Seasonal Affectedness Disorder, aka: SAD. There are periods of sunshine and I rush outside and sit in any sliver the sun provides. Yesterday, the sun was abundant and I was able to lay in its glory for an entire day. However, the rain has definitely affected my mood, but provides ample indoor time for writing and soul searching.

I think the most uncomfortable occurrence was while getting a pedicure, a large rat hopped out of a pile of clean towels and scurried up the wall into a hole in the ceiling. Rodents are my biggest fear. I even had a hard time with squirrels until recently. So, this really sent me to another plane of fear. I figured I would see rats in Bali, just not that close up or in a spa. I wanted to cry, pee my pants and scream all at once. I was assured by the staff that it was only a small mouse, but I know what I saw and couldn't get out of there quick enough.

With all that said, there is a certain sacredness to Bali that I appreciate. The day I saw the rat was a turning point for me. It was gray outside, the rat thing happened, I was tired and moody and then we walked by the temple. Women were dressed up in beautiful attire with large baskets filled with offerings on top of their heads. The ceremonial feel of the procession filled me with awe as I watched them perfectly kneel down to offer their goods. I thought about my own offering and what I had been giving lately. My conclusion was complaints, tears, questions and frustration. However, I realized in that moment that offering is a ritual and the answers may not appear immediately but the practice is what was important.

Images of these women have stuck with me and I am determined to change my offering to positivity, love, compassion and trust. Trust is the hardest for me. I am fiercely independent and trust requires surrender. Letting go has been my theme for a couple years now; I expect a couple more. But, when I look back on my life, I have always been okay, despite my worry and anxiety, the universe has provided everything I needed. These provisions come through prayer, meditation and trust. I am a product of grace. When I look back at the gifts and opportunities in my life and see the complaints and negativity that have at times clouded my offerings, I know that grace has provided the lessons along with the gifts.

Today I realize that my lesson is getting through a transition with grace, peace and love. My gifts are experiencing this discomfort in a beautiful place and the realization that growth is eternal. I look forward to mindfully entering each day differently and offering myself in a more loving manner. I recently read someone feeling like hugging the universe. Today I offer my hug and trust. I can't do this alone.

On Leaving my Job...

                       

Bravery has been a recurring theme for me this year. The word was bestowed upon me in Costa Rica by my Intuitive Painting instructor and it has really resonated with my experiences thus far. I recently exercised my bravery when I resigned from my job. I have been contemplating this for a while now and never felt quite ready.

I knew I wanted to move on but feared what would happen. Work has been my security for years. Wine has been a passion of mine for years and it turned into numbers and conversions. The art was still there, but buried under sales goals and science. I surprised myself the first time I spoke to a client about chemical reactions in wine. I laughed at myself when I practiced saying the technical names of chemical compounds so I wouldn't mess up in a meeting. And then, all of a sudden, it became second nature and I found myself playing with wine. It was fun, messy and rewarding. I'm going to miss that the most. The magic enchanted me.

But, my soul has been urging me to move on. I'm not quite sure where I am headed, but I am not worried, my hope is strong. I know that travel is on the horizon and that is when I am at my best. I am going away for a month to sort some of this out and just relax. It's surprising how much space a job takes up in the brain. It will be strange at first to taste a wine without thinking about it technically. Most important, I will have time to travel to places I crave and stay home and solidify the life I have been creating. This scares and excites me at the same time. I am ready to venture into the unknown.

Farewell magical, technical and tasty wine industry. Thank you for expanding my brain farther than I thought possible.

Tamarindo Ballad

When I arrived in Costa Rica, I had no idea what to expect. I was hoping to lay in a hammock and drink something tropical and that was about it. I decided to go without plans and keep myself open to whatever came my way. I am so happy that I did. If I had planned my trip out, I would have missed so many lovely moments, people and reflection.

Tamarindo is the place where my heart opened fully, my soul was nourished and my mind calmed down finally. My days were filled soaking up the hot sun on wet sand, writing, drinking lovely coffee and cold coconuts, swimming in the warm ocean and yoga that pushed me beyond my limits.

I recognized my courage finally as people questioned my decision to travel alone and told me I was brave. I never would have described myself as courageous or brave as I still feel hints of anxiety every now and again. However, a very in depth Intuitive Painting course helped me reveal this trait and even own it. I could not have planned that encounter. I had never even heard of such a thing, but I love painting and decided to give it a try. If you are ever in Tamarindo, check out True Colors; I am so grateful that I did.

So many lovely people were milling about and since the town is small, it was easy to see them on a regular basis. Most people were from Canada and the North Eastern US as it is freezing for them right now. I found them to be warm, open and genuine. I loved having coffee and beers with them and sharing travel stories and life experiences. That's one of the best things about travel for me...the stories people tell. We all become storytellers when we experience something foreign. It changes us and we feel compelled to share.

My favorite book has been A Moveable Feast since I took an American Studies course in college as it opened my eyes to the lost generation of Americans living abroad in France during the 20s. I wanted to be one of them and write. There were many ex patriots from the states in Costa Rica each with their encouraging stories on how to live down there. The seed has definitely been planted and we shall see what grows.

Most of all, I want to keep the joy emanating from within. I want to take the habits and practices I learned during my travels and implement them daily. During my Intuitive Painting class I learned that in order to make a big change, I have to start with something small. For instance, practicing gratitude daily or beginning the day with a positive intention. Practice make perfect.

Costa Rica was a dream come true and I can't believe my time there has come and gone after 10 years of dreaming. The timing of this trip was perfect. As I look back on the past 10 years of my life, I know I was not ready to be as open as I was during my time away. I had too many hangups and unresolved issues in my way. I felt like an empty palate in Tamarindo; ready to be filled with a new picture of vibrant colors. I think that is exactly what I needed. I am donning a new outlook and am so excited to see what dreams may come next.

Muchas Gracias, Costa Rica!

Learning to Soar

I just returned from my dream trip to Costa Rica and my heart is a contradiction of joy and sadness. Tears were definitely shed as I drove away from my lovely haven in Tamarindo. The past two weeks were full of magnificent nature, amazing encounters and lots of realizations. My intention for this trip was to keep my heart, soul and mind open to whatever was going to happen. I knew the dream was persistent for 10 years and could only imagine why. What happened was beyond my imagination--it was amazing.

The butterfly is my symbol for this trip. I remember having butterflies in my stomach as I purchased/planned the trip; I could not believe it was finally happening. I felt as if I was preparing for a first date with someone who I was immensely interested in. However, in this case, it was a foreign country. Not knowing what to expect is part of the excitement of adventure!

On my first day, I went down to the beach and yellow butterflies were flying over me. The scene was magical. The sun was intensely hot, the ocean was deep blue and yellow butterflies came to welcome me to the beach. Every day that I laid on the beach, I saw a yellow butterfly. One day, while I was swimming, a butterfly was out with me in the waves...incredible!

Butterflies are symbols of transformation, renewal and playfulness. The most important symbolic meaning is finding joy in life and the lightness of being. I found the bearable lightness of being in Costa Rica. I glided through each day calmly, joyfully and fully open. I even found that my playful side was alive and well.  My intention is to continue this lightness...at least make it a practice. Practice makes perfect and this lightness of being makes me soar to new heights.

The Patchwork of 2013

I began this year in my sweet, isolated beach town on the Central Coast. That experience was coming to an end and I was reaping the rewards of patience and searching for peace through some pretty lonely years. This year was full of necessary endings, new beginnings and transitions. My friend told me that 2013 was going to be my year, she apologized this week but I don't think that is necessary. I'm resilient and know myself better because of this year.

Grace and calm were my intentions for 2013. The hardest realization this year was letting go of my inner control freak. Grace and calm do not reside well with controlling tendencies. I fought hard against this for months and admitted my shortcoming right before my birthday. There was the sweet consolation of grace and calm waiting for me once I confronted my inner dictator. I learned in order to receive grace, I had to ask for it and the hardest part...receive it. Being fiercely independent makes it hard for me to ask for help and even harder, to receive it. Ever since I have opened myself up, blessings have flowed in. I am so grateful for this year.

Here is the patchwork that made up 2013:
-Moving back to San Diego (gorgeous sunsets, dear friends nearby and the Pacific still keeping me company)
-Saying goodbye to my vivacious, loving and hilarious grandma
-Soaking up Mediterranean sun in the Amalfi Coast
-Island hopping in Greece
-Floating effortlessly in the Aegean
-Running hundreds of miles (time to retire those shoes)
-Finding out one of my dearest friends is expecting after years of trying
-Meeting wonderful people who are new friends (Friendsgiving, dancing and laughter)
-Being honest with myself
-Returning to Seattle after 5 years and loving it
-Satisfying my inner oenophile in the Willamette Valley (holy love of Pinot!)

Cheers to another lovely year. I can't wait to see what 2014 has in store.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott

On Vulnerability

I watched Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability last year and it changed the way I approach my life. She eloquently speaks of what it means to be vulnerable and how it can change the way we interact with each other. Vulnerability can be one of the scariest things and also one of the most rewarding.

Ever since I decided to chip away at the walls I built around my heart and soul, I have experienced life in a more vibrant and satisfying manner. This doesn't mean that there aren't remnants of the walls or past hurts left, but I can be more open and forgiving with myself and others because of this. I have experienced new relationships form, old relationships healed and some removed from my life just from being open and honest.

I used to be such a hard, sarcastic and blunt person. When I look back just 5 years, I hardly recognize the person I became. I was working and playing hard, spending my time and money like they were invincible and not really showcasing love as it should be. During that time, I desperately wanted love and acceptance, but my walls just towered over my ability to soften.

This all began to change when I quit my high stress job and began letting go of so many things--physical and emotional. Selling everything, a broken heart, a couple years alone in a coastal town and unconditional love from family and friends can really chip away at a hard shell. The more I opened up, the more opportunities and love entered my life. I don't think it is a coincidence that I have been able to travel more, cultivate relationships and work on awareness during this time. By letting my guard down, blessings have flowed in and I am truly grateful. One of the hardest lessons of my life has proven to be the most rewarding.

"to let yourself soften into loving someone, to caring about something passionately--that's vulnerable" -Brene Brown



And just because this is lovely and relevant...

Best Laid Plans

I had plans to take the month of November off. I was going to head to Costa Rica for a month to explore, relax, write and try my best to speak Spanish. My plan excited me and has been something I have wanted to do for quite some time. Last year, I planned on going to Costa Rica but then my dear friend invited me to Bali. The trip was amazing and it felt great to be unplugged in warm tropical air. Every day was filled with writing, yoga, long walks and intense cultural experiences. Although it wasn't my original plan, I think it was exactly what I needed at that time.

This year, instead of laying on a hammock I am working and travelling for work quite a bit. I have 5 flights scheduled, a budget presentation and goals to be met. I am not looking forward to any of this and find myself wondering why my best laid plans didn't come to fruition. Costa Rica seems to always be just right out of my reach and I wonder why. I can't help but think about running late to work or a party and then find out if I was on time, I would have been involved in an accident on the road. There are all kinds of stories of near misses and possibly my plans fell apart yet again to keep me out of harm's way.

Then I think about being present and that there is a reason that I am here now...not because of a near miss. Being present is definitely a skill and with all the scheduling, goals, travel plans and relationships in life, there is a tendency towards distraction.

Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook fame said something that really caught my attention in her TEDtalk; she states: "Don't leave before you leave". Such a simple statement with a huge requirement. This can be applied to all facets of life. When I am with someone, I don't want my mind wandering to my to-do list or pending schedules. I want connection and to be present. Perhaps this is a tall order, but I think it is something worth striving for.

I'll admit, I haven't followed the above advice much this year. My mind has been all over the world and I am realizing that I need to practice being present...maybe that is why I am not in Costa Rica this month. I am sure I will know the reason in due time, but until then, I am going to try harder at being present and enjoying what is in front of me.

A Good Year

I had a really good 32nd year. I was looking back at this past year and counted my blessings which outweighed the sorrows.

Last year, I was in Bali with a broken heart trying to figure out new plan and a direction. I wrote down 5 intentions at a coffee shop in a small Balinese town and have referred to them many times over the past year.

1) Positivity every day
2) Letting go of the past
3) Hope
4) Wisdom to decipher what's next
5) Open heart and mind

These intentions have been the foundation for the past year. These 5 things are hard to achieve from where I was last year. But, with practice, prayer and encouragement from loved ones, I get closer every day. I don't think that the blessings would have been recognized without this list. I worked hard on them and although there have been struggles and tears, joy and peace continue to take their place.

My dear friend, Katy confidently proclaimed "2013 is your year, friend!" I think she is right. But then again, any year is what I decide to make of it. And this year, focusing on the blessings is my intention. I learned this a long time ago when my grandma had me sing "Count your blessings" to her in Spanish. I may have not known what I was actually singing, but I think the message is finally sinking in.

Floating

I learned how to swim late,when I was 12 years old. I remember the anxiety of not having full control of my body and definitely despised going underwater. Even when it was time to go to school, I would hang on to the bed post and cry full of angst over what might happen that day. I was the worrier in my family, always aware of possible doom. (I had my bags packed just in case the Oakland hills fire reached us all the way in San Leandro).

I am coming to terms with accepting the fact that my inability to let go has caused great anxiety in my life. This problem has also given me the tendency to showcase the control freak that tends to live inside. I don't like that and I am resolving to fix this about myself.

Letting go is a great feat I realize. It is not easy for a worrier. But, through meditation, prayer and post it note reminders all over the place, I am finding it easier and easier to release. And let me tell you, it is so much more wonderful than I thought it could be.

I think the best possible image I can give myself is floating in Greece. We found a secluded beach in Paros and I really wanted to get in the water. The water was crystal clear and turquoise. I had the initial "it's too cold, I should get out" thoughts and then I laid down and let go. Without any effort, I was floating in the Aegean Sea under the Mediterranean sun and my heart and soul flooded with gratitude and happiness. I had physically let go and the water took care of everything else.

I think of this image often these days. Being able to physically have a reference to this life lesson helps me release the tensions that come with not letting go. Floating is exactly the way my heart and soul feel--like a balloon--when I release the unknown and trust that everything will be alright.

Love Love Peace Forever



Smart Monkey



When a year ends, nostalgia can't help but rear its head and demand attention from the heart and mind. This past year brought many emotions, revelations, awe inspiring scenes and inner peace. I remember beginning my year, like so many others, with a list of things I wanted to change, create, accomplish and see. This list came out a few times for review and although I did not complete everything on my list, I did change, create, accomplish and see things that I could have never planned for.

When I began 2012, I felt isolated in the Central Coast, overworked, underpaid, tired, and full of so many more complaints. I didn't like how my heart and mind had been filled with such negative energy. However, I wanted a change and fast! So, I began the year thinking a job would change, a move would come, friends would be closer and perhaps even love. Oh how I was wrong. But that's okay.
 
What 2012 gave me was a broken heart, hard character building exercises, opened eyes and heart, a quieter mind and a calmer soul. This happened in the form of all of my plans being squashed, relinquishing control and allowing what is meant to be, be. WHAT A HARD LESSON. I cried lonely tears, felt my heart crack again and realizing that I had it mostly wrong. But this was the best thing that could have happened to me. My lonely sad tears have been replaced by tears of joy. My cracked heart is healing and opening up at a level I have never experienced before. And my ideals and plans-they are headed in a direction that excites me and is still a bit unknown...but I have faith its going to be AMAZING and I can't wait.

This year I am grateful for...
living by the ocean
abundant travel
healing relationships
family
close friends
lessons learned
faith and hope

Cocoon

 

It has been a month since I have returned home from Bali and I must say, my life was changed over there. I came home wanting to help those in need, clean up beaches and never use a plastic bag again. The trip also provided great persepctive into my work and personal life and showed me things that I absolutely needed to change/end.

I was unplugged for the most part over there. I didn't bring a phone or a computer and rarely knew what time it was. This freed my mind up so much and allowed me to discover things that I had been pushing aside in order to get by and what I thought was strive. Little did I know all of these things were going to come up, literally, on this trip.

When I returned home, I knew that change was on the horizon. I knew that the recent changes that I had experienced where still affecting me and that they would for some time. And that is what is happening still-change. My mindset is different. I am ready for the next thing. I realized that I have been working like an ant and living isolated in a place I am ready to leave. (have been ready to leave) I feel like I am wrestling out of my cocoon.

I am not sure what is next, but I am confident that this state of unrest is preparing my heart for it. I am open to whatever comes. My heart and mind are open like never before. Bali was a catalyst as well as blessing. I have faith and hope for the coming days, months, year...

Perspectives from Bali

~Peace and quiet have always been inside me...just hiding behind my inner chatter
~Letting go is hard to do, even on an exotic island
~Stress is a product of my outlook, its time to change my outlook
~Solitude is golden, but companionship is platinum
~Living simply leaves room for awe
~Walking is amazing exercise
~Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy (John Denver was a smart guy)
~Clean water should never be taken for granted